Asexual Experiences

230 notes

White Aces, Listen to Aces of Colour


If we want our community to be inclusive, you need to listen to our points of view. 

There is no homogenous experiences in the ace community. What aces of colour deal with is not the same as what white aces deal with. 

Asexuality does not exist in a vacuum, and must be examined and talked about in a critical fashion. 

You must understand that there are groups of people who have had asexuality (different than our understanding of it but still the same word) forced on them or have been hypersexualized beyond compare and cannot access asexual spaces in the same way due to racism. 

Asexuality (and things like it) have an old history in certain groups, and it is vital to understand that. 

You can’t approach the experiences of aces of colour from a white perspective; you can’t. Because you won’t understand. 

Our community is multicultural, and it is important that our discourse reflects it. 

I’m reminded of what I was talking about at the International Asexuality Conference at the Asexuality and Ethnicity panel I was asked to be apart of: “You cannot parse my asexuality from my race. They are not separate. You cannot fully understand my experiences if you break them apart.” 

We are apart of this community

If asexuality discourse does not actively include aces of colour or have our voices dominate in discussions of our experiences with racism and the impact it has had on our asexuality, then it will be inaccurate. 

(via southpawscopic)

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biggayoceanbaby asked: One of the things I keep thinking about is writing about how demiromantic IS my romantic orientation. Like, pan or bi or whatever is secondary, since gender identity comes second. Even the "no cismales" thing is subsumed under that, since I'm not friends with straight cismales. So for me it's not accurate to say demiromantic is sort of secondary, like, "Oh I'm pan, but I'm also demi." Like... I'm demi. First and foremost. So maybe you could write about how those things sort of interact for you?


Oh that’s a good idea! Thank you. :)

It’s the same way for me, actually. I used to consider the demiromantic part secondary, but I’ve come to realize that- I don’t really have a primary romantic orientation? It’s nice that there are lucky people out there who know that they’re hetero/homo/bi/pan/whatever romantic, but I don’t have a concise “term” for mine. ‘Cause romantic orientation isn’t so simple and easily put into a particular box or label and that’s okay.

Yeah, we can both be “no cismales” romantic too. =P 

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shesleepsfromdreams asked: I am an asexual hispanic woman. I have been repeatedly told by my (white) friend that I'm not asexual, and need to reassess my sexuality. He recently came out to our group of friends as asexual, but continues to insinuate that I'm not asexual. His demisexual (white) girlfriend and I are stymied; her demisexuality is accepted as fact by him but my asexuality isn't real. I'm just very frustrated by this whole situation.



He’s probably stereotyping you (as a Latina) as being unable to be asexual. It’s really disgusting. If you want to, you can ask why he believes this. Otherwise I’d just cut off contact if he wanted to keep denying your identity. It’s incredibly toxic.

followers, any thoughts???

What an asshole. I’m Latin@ and asexual as well and the stereotype is that we’re never assumed to be virgin. People have always believed I have had a sexual history regardless of how I state I don’t. People think you’re a liar or you’re just an ashamed deviant who won’t admit it.

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On Dating as a Demiromantic


Queenie keeps not-so-subtly hinting at me to write more about demiromanticism, so I thought I’d give it a shot? I’m open to suggestions for topics, by the way, because “Demiromantic 101” is kinda boring. Which is why I’m gonna write about dating!

I don’t date.

Not in the “conventional” sense, anyway, I suppose. I’ll go on dates with people I’m already in romantic relationships with, sure! And I’ll go on awesome friend dates (Ink and I went to fondue last week and spent the entire time critiquing our food as if we were Gordon Ramsay- I have a lot of feels about Master Chef lately okay no judgement). But I don’t go on “dates with people with the assumption that we’re both trying to become partners if we’re compatible by the end of this date” dates.

That was a lot of dates in one sentence.

Also I keep thinking about the fruit.

I don’t date in the “conventional” sense because then people are going to expect something from me and that feels soooo contrived. I know I’m not going to magically develop romantic attraction to someone I’ve just met. And supposedly the person I’m on a date with will have some expectation about my feeling at least romantic (if not sexual) attraction towards them, if things work out well. Is that how it works? Right? People are expected to feel romantic attraction towards each other? See, I don’t even know. Do situations in romantic comedies actually happen in real life? Do some people actually fall in love at first sight? These things are so foreign to my world view, as someone who’s demiromantic.

I also don’t date because when I’m not experiencing romantic attraction, I’m pretty much aromantic. So. I don’t feel any reason or motivation to date. Because I don’t want a romantic relationship. That’s my experience with demiromanticism, which isn’t to say it’s everyone’s experience. For me, it’ll be like- oh I want a romantic relationship with this specific person*. But otherwise, nah. I’m good. 

*and as for “this specific person” for me that’s always someone who’s a good friend, whom I’ve known for some amount of time. I think the shortest amount of time I’ve known someone whom I’ve subsequently developed a crush on was 6 months? My dating pool is “the friend zone.” =P

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Asexuality and Gender Identity


Hi, this is your mod Southie! I saw an ask earlier about a breakdown of aces in terms of gender identity. And while hopefully there will be an updated Asexual Awareness Week Census Survey, I conducted a study on gender variance in the asexual community in 2012 and can share some of my data?

These are the results regarding gender from the 2011 Census Survey with 3,436 participants:

Female (64.1%), Male (14.1%), Gender neutral (12.0%), Androgynous (11.4%), Gender queer or gender variant (11.1%), Gender fluid (8.0%), Unsure/confused (7.5%), Questioning (6.6%), I don’t have a gender identity (6.2%), Other (4.3%). 

And this is my own data from the 443 responses I received in 2012:

Female (51.5%), Agender (24.6%), Genderqueer (21.9%), Male (14.4%), Fluid (12.2%), Bigender (2.3%), Pangender (1.1%), and Other (10.2%). Participants, however, were free to check more than one gender option.

So take that how you will~

(via southpawscopic)

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Anonymous asked: I have trouble understanding the idea of asexual's having kinks, since I thought that kinks were inherently sexual (like, I'm guessing that's misinformation on my part) but I was wondering if you had anything to say on this topic to explain how it works? What makes something a kink, anyway?



I’m like the most vanilla person you’ll ever meet except for like a 4 year old or something. I barely understand kinks and stuff as it is.

I guess a kink is something you find hot? but you don’t need to actually want to have sex with it to find i hot? like there’s wing!kink for supernatural fans. and just because you can get behind it that wings would be pretty damn awesome even in sex situations doesn’t mean you actually want to ahve sex with it. I don’t know.

same with fetishes. there’s foot fetishes and bdsm and stuff. and you can do bondage stuff or dom sub stuff without actually having sex. in can be sexual, and most of the time it presents itself sexual, but it doesn’t have to be.

some kinky aces better comment on this, because I have no idea.

Kinky ace here!

Yo be honest, the word “kink” encompasses a huuuuuge range of activities, some sexual, some not. It’s hard to define, but it’s something like “an interest in some of a loose amalgamation of ‘deviant activities’ which are often socially defined as related to the “erotic” or sexual”. However, because any prolonged close physical contact with another individual (except maybe a doctor?), and most intense physical sensations (especially pleasurable ones) are coded as sexual in our culture, it can include all sorts of things. Also, the fact that many of these “kinky” activities are sometimes sexual leaves them with a stigma of being always sexual, which isn’t necessarily the case.

To explain how someone can not experience sexual attraction but still have kinks, you have to understand that while sexual attraction is about the people with whom you are interested in performing sexual acts, kinks are much broader - they can be acts that you enjoy doing, or items you enjoy using, or situations you enjoy being in, etc.

While some kinks are often related to attraction of some kind to certain aspects of a partner - for example, being into women in latex, or liking to worship the feet of someone you’re attracted to, etc - that’s only one type of kink. Other kinks don’t necessarily involve interest in another person at all!

For example, maybe someone has a thing for bondage - maybe they like the feeling of resistance, or the security of being tightly bound, or whatever. It may have sexual components - or it may be purely about the tactile sensations, the same way that you can enjoy massages or cuddling without having sex be involved. But note that you don’t have to be sexually attracted to someone doing the binding - and in fact you don’t even necessarily have to have anyone else involved at all!

Also, for kink in general, it’s quite common for people to engage in BDSM or Kink scenes with other people without any sexual attraction being involved - it’s often more about the particular act or experience, and just finding someone compatible who’s willing to help enact it. Of course, for many people sexual attraction can still play a major role - but it’s not a necessary one.

Anyway I think I’m still missing some important points but hopefully that can give you a bit more insight!

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Some people are like “If you don’t have sex in your marriage then what do you do together? How do you show your love?”

And I just sit there confused, like, do you not…talk to each other? Watch movies, play games, do…things together? Sing goofy silly songs to each other, burst into the room where they are on the computer and frail around all convulsive like and then run out as quickly as you came in, tell them you have a secret for them and then burp in their ear and run away, snapchat your face to them super close up and upside down?

I obviously know other couples don’t just have sex and don’t see each other until the sex happens again…but to say the defining moment of your marriage, your lifelong commitment to each other is….just a physical act? I understand that sex is way more than just the physical it is the emotional and sometimes people even feel spiritual but…I don’t know. The weird shit that S and I do together brings us so much joy and smiles on our faces…even if I could tomorrow enjoy sex and it be everything the world makes it out to be I still wouldn’t trade it. I can’t imagine sex ever being as wonderful as our dorkiness together.

(via southpawscopic)

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Why don't we talk about non-normative relationships failing?



[Link to original post by queenieofaces

I think I really needed to read this. At one point I decided that I was really going to try to talk about my platonic partnership with an allosexual person, and then I floundered. I’m a very private person about my relationships, I have surprisingly big insecurities about “jinxing” this even after four years living together, and like you said, I’m scared for us to be held up as an example, either positive or negative. Especially because we are, as a partnership, very present-, not past-tense.

There is so much pressure, when I’m talking openly about our relationship. A pressure to be not just a functioning crime-fighting duo but also a perfect one, because I’m  asexual/aro-spectrum, female pronouns and disabled, and he’s an allosexual dude. Because so many people shout that this should have completely shattered years ago, that guys and gals can’t be friends never mind live together like we do. And dear gourd, I co-run qpadvice. If I’m gonna talk about this, I feel like I should at least be a really good example. And at the same time I don’t want to end up setting up some sort of absurd, definitive model just because I’m running my mouth about my platonic partnership. The last thing the two of us need or want is to be stuck on a pedestal. We WILL fall off. We are NOT graceful people.

And here’s the thing. A thing. Sometimes I SUCK at communicating properly, but that’s the number one advice I give to anyone in this sort of relationship? Like? I feel like having “hypocrite” stamped on my forehead wouldn’t be forthright enough. But I’m not a hypocrite. Communicating is hard. Everyone brings baggage to the table in any interpersonal relationship. This is fair.But how do I maintain a comfortable level of privacy, for me, for B, for anyone else who gets involved in our lives, and talk about us transparently? How do I admit I’m sometimes abominable at communicating without lending doubt to my credibility and to the validity of our crime-fighting duo? We put a lot of hard work into this thing, I don’t want people misunderstanding, devaluing, or dismissing it. I feel pressure to talk. I feel pressure to stay silent. Sometimes I manage to talk about us, trivially, or fandom-related, or serious (it has a tag in my tumblr). Mostly I end up feeling lost in the middle, not knowing what to do or say.

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I dated an ace, and it all went horribly wrong.

Queenie has a new post about (the end of) non-normative relationships, and why we don’t talk about them. Honestly, I have wanted to talk about them for a long time. Here, I’ll go first:

The moment in time that might mark a “start” to my non-normative relationship with L. was when I went to pick her up at the train station, and one of my coworkers was there waiting for his girlfriend to arrive. I still hadn’t accepted my attraction to women at the time, and it made me a little scared and evasive, that I might be perceived to be there to pick up my secret girlfriend, just like he was. Now, my coping mechanism is to make a joke out of things, so that’s what I started referring to L. as: My Secret Girlfriend. And then… it stopped being a joke.

To me.

I’ve written before about how and why that iteration of our relationship ended, and it’s been important to me to analyze that ending because, while I had no control over how I got into it, if I ever get into another one, I will have some measure of control over how it ends.

The thing is, though, I’m not sure I made any “mistakes,” per se; it was just timing and circumstance and two people with a mismatch in their priorities. I dated an ace, and it went horribly wrong, because that’s just life.

But. I dated an ace, and it went horribly wrong partially because of a lack in the scripts and narratives for friendships.

We didn’t communicate well, or indeed in my case transparently. We didn’t assess or work on the health of our relationship. And when we “broke up” there was no African Violet of Broken Friendship — there was just a half-hearted joke on the train platform about how were going to break the news to our friends.

This community and all its constituent parts and associates seem to me to spend a lot of time talking about traditional romances, non-traditional romances, queerplatonic relationships, non-normative relationships, &c., and while there is nothing wrong with that, I think we really need to put serious effort and thought into friendship

Because if we want to talk about “messy, human reality” (and I think we should), let’s start with how ace/aro spectrum peeps are, on balance, going to need to lean on their friends as they try to struggle through getting and keeping and navigating capital-R Relationships, and how a lot of those Relationships are going to have a strong foundation in the principals, tools, and expectations of friendship.